Flowers and Butterflies
by Seras of the Underworld
Summary: Hanami is an average girl. Average overall grade. Has a crush one of her classmates. Is the leader of the Sasuke fan-club. Has a kekkei genkai. Is the last of her clan. Has a legal guardian that is probably not the best role model. At face value, she's pretty normal. Until she opens her mouth.
1. Enter: Hanami

_Shinobi Log 000, because I'm not a shinobi yet._

 _I'm writing this log to keep my thoughts clear, and to hopefully mentally disturb the unfortunate soul comes across my scribes. Why? Because I'm bored. And boredom is a very dangerous thing. I should know, my legal guardian is very dangerous when bored. I say "legal guardian", because if this journal falls into the wrong hands, I'd rather not give anyone advantage over me. The right people will know who they are, and the right people will agree wholeheartedly. Legal Guardian is very much dangerous when left to their own devices. Plus, it beats staring at the ceiling waiting for my turn to take the test. My name is smack-dab in the middle of the alphabet, so it'll be a while._

 _Day in and day out, the life of a typical_ _techinically_ _teenage schoolgirl at the academy was not unlike the cliche romantic drivel that a lot of b-rated author's like to shove down the your throats. Where drama and hardships drop like flies, and everyone strives after the guy who's textbook definition of good-looking. Nah, I could care less about the guy with the perfect face, and the mary-sue bloodline limit. Sadly, my school's romance life can't be like the glorious icha icha series, where the plots semi-realistic when factoring in hormones in the strung along romance. Yup, damn shame we can't have that at age 13. Orgies could really help the school curriculum... Well, at least it'd make lectures a hell of a lot more interesting._

 _Oh I should introduce myself... Or should I? That kinda defeats the purpose of leaving my background anonymous. Eh, fuck it. My name's Hanami. I was raised the majority of my life at the orphanage, because my parents died in the Kyuubi attack. I was adopted at the age of 8 by Legal Guardian on a whim. Yeah, they wanted to pass on their legacy, without having to deal with the bullshit of the early days of a child's life. Not that I can blame them, I've seen the evolution of life at the orphanage. It's not pretty. The other route for them would be teacher, but apparently they're a shitty teacher. Or deemed unfit to lead or work well with others. I could never remember which sentiment applied._

 _Honestly, I never expected to even become a ninja. Still don't, to be honest. Being a member of the Hoshizuka clan kinda made impossible to learn jutsus. After all, having a bloodline limit that attracts water like a magnet whenever chakra is flared up, kinda makes learning jutsus a bit difficult. Learned that the hard way. Every time I manipulated my chakra, water just splashed in my face. Or rather, just kinda formed around it. On the plus side, at least I got water. Hoshizuka's have a color-coded star on their body that matches the element they attract. I'm lucky I was born with a blue star. I could have been easily electocuted, burned, or smacked in the face by rocks had my star been a different color._

 _Anyways. If I'm lucky, they'll pass me. I may be useless at ninjutsu, but I like to pride myself on my weapon and taijutsu skills. And even then... maybe they'll pass me because of my limit? This village does have a bit of a hard-on for blood-line limits... If not, my guardian will just make sure to drill as much training as they possibly can, for pride sake. Ironically enough, this same guardian warned me against the horrors of showing off too much, and attracting too much attention. Honestly, how could I not attract attention? My hair is naturally wavy and the color of matcha. My eyes are the color of bubblegum! I have a bright blue star on my cheek! ...Well at least my hair blends in with trees decently enough. I have classmates with brighter colors of the rainbow decorating their appearance._

"Hey, Hanami-san it's your turn to go." Said girl was so engulfed in her writings that she didn't hear her name called numerous times by an irate Iruka-sensei. She gave a nod to Ino, a blond-haired girl who was one of many practically who practically forced her into becoming the leader for a fan-club of a guy she didn't particularily like. Apparently the leader should be an unbiased pedestrian who they won't have to worry about stealing their precious Sasuke-kun.

Hanami scribbled the finishing touches of her entry.

 _I'm about to take my first step into the ninja world. If anyone reads this, then I'm a ninja and I didn't burn this book after failing._

She gave a nod to the words, affirming her statement and forming a plan B that involves making a bonfire out of a perfectly good journal, With that in mind, she made her way to the testing room.

The testing room was pretty standard. There was plenty of open space, with the room being empty aside from a table with enough blue-clothed headbands bearing her village's insignia. Behind it sat Mizuki-sensei and Iruka-sensei, awaiting her to get ready and fail the test that they knew she was gonna fail anyway.

"Okay, please perform the jutsu," Mizuki said, and proceeded to wait for her to do so.

..

..

Iruka sighed when she she just stood there, staring blankly at him. "You.. do know which jutsu you're being tested on, right?" She just stared blankly, and he sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose, just over his scar. "You were writing fanfiction again, weren't you?"

"Writing, yes. Fanfiction, no." she said, idly awaiting her doom. "And that was one time." It was one time she was _caught_. She was bored on a test she didn't study for, and tests have a funny way of intimidating you with blank space. So, she entertained herself.

"You wrote graphic smut on a test being advised by the hokage. A scene depicting both your teachers."

"I didn't name them, so they're not my teachers."

"You referred them as 'scarred pineapple seme' and 'silver shrub uke'" Hanami never did like adding names. People whine too much when they're featured in situations that society deems 'innapropriate'. Vague terms and inside jokes are the key to loopholes and winning arguments.

"That could be anyone. Besides, I'm sure the hokage got a kick out of. Or a boner. Depends which direction he swings." Iruka cringed, and she grinned a grin he was used to seeing from her mother. "Shouldn't you be happy I made the 'scarred pineapple' the seme? I mean considering the character development I had going on in my head, making him the top was a bit of a stretch," she paused, the memories of the scene recollecting in her head, before she bore an impish grin. "No pun intended."

"I swear, you're just like your mother," he groaned, putting his face in his hands in mortification, likely asking deity alive why he had to deal with this. Red was a lovely shade peeking through his tan skin, she noted. That'll be useful in future writings. "You both take sadistic pleasure in making others suffer"

"I take that as a compliment. My mom's awesome," she said. She snapped her fingers, as a thought dawned on her "Oh that reminds me, she humbly invites you for a lovely afternoon in the torture chamber. She wants to reenact some scenes from Icha Icha: punishment, and needs a proper uke. Offers open to either of you."

"You're stalling, Hanami," Mizuki smirked, though from a glance at the vein in his forehead that looked like it would pop out and play, Hanami could tell he was getting irritated. That gave her a little smile. Mizuki was always bit of a prick. He was never a good teacher, and was overall pretty incompetent. She's caught him on numerous occasions teaching the wrong hand signs and taijutsu stances to her fellow student, Naruto. Getting a rise out of him was always satisfying. "There are other students that need to be tested."

"Why bother? We both know how this will end," She drawled, rolling her eyes to the ceiling and blowing her stubborn green bangs out of her face.

Iruka gave a small sympathetic smile. "It's just protocol. We'll go over your results, and send you on your way."

"Fine." She took a breath, and started doing the hand signs. Dog, Boar, Ram. She flickered her chakra just slightly, though apparently too much since she could hear some creaking coming from the walls. Not good, but hey. They asked for this. "He-"

"We're doing the clone technique." Iruka chastised as Mizuki face-palmed. "We tested the transformation technique yesterday

"Oh, right." Not that it matters any, since the result would undeniably be the same. Her bloodline limit isn't made for jutsus. But rules are rules, they have to treat all children equally. Well except females, because they had to sit through flower arranging classes under the guise of kunoichi training. Hanami just sighed, and prepared her hands again. Ram, Snake, Tiger. She put less effort into the chakra amount, and was satisfied when she no longer heard the water threatening to burst from water pipes. "Bunshin no jutsu," she said dully as absolutely nothing happened.

...

...

The two teachers sweat-dropped.

"Could you maybe, put more chakra into the jutsu?" Mizuki asked. She simply rose a natural green eyebrow, wondering just how much he actually knew his students.

"If I do, you'll have to call a plumber," she warned, simply staring at the two. Judging by the lack of dismissal to leave, and mention of her failed results, it was very likely they actually expected her to try. "Don't bill me for this." She took a deep breath and redid the hand signs. Ram, Snake, Tiger. Chakra was sparking at her fingertips, spreading flaring out around her body. She heard the groaning of metal until... SNAP!

Metal pipes burst themselves from the walls, jagged edges of pipe penetrating through the drywall and tilting towards the girl. Water was rushing past the two bewildered and towards her, proceeding to engulf her in a big blob of liquid that defied the laws of physics. Through the clear water floating around her, the girl stared at the blurry forms of her senseis, her cheeks puffed slightly as she held her breath. Her hair wobbled as the water moved, the blob of water getting steadily bigger as more was added, before she released her chakra and started breathing steadily again. The blob immediately fell to a puddle on the floor, and the girl's hair and clothes were immediately plastered to her body.

She swiftly expelled a jolt of chakra, making sure to shoot it away from all angles of her body. In an instant the water was gone, and her hair was back to the unruly curls it typically was. She stared at them, defiantly waiting for them to give her her results. Her gaze was the epitome of 'I told you this would happen, and now some poor soul has to clean up your mistake'. Not a sound was uttered between both sides of the staring contest, the only noise in the room being the rushing sounds of water spraying from the pipes, before Iruka cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Well, uh. You failed the the jutsu part of the exam." No surprise there. "But with your stellar marks in taijutsu and weapons, you've passed. Congratulations!" He bestowed upon her a blue headband, just like everyone else. "Report to the hokage tomorrow for the ID picture, and I'll be sure to see you at orientation."

With that the girl was sent out to the great outdoors, headband in hand as she went out to tackle the world, with a stunning sunset overlooking her form even though it had previously been noon.

Well, until she popped her head back in the door. "Is that a no on the torture chamber?"

"JUST GET GOING!"

* * *

 **This was a trial. I wanted to see how far I would go with it, and how easily ideas would pop into my head... I was honestly surprised how easily this came to me. Hanami is pretty fun to write.**

 **Comment if you want me to continue. I wanna see if I'd be wasting my time or not by writing more.**


	2. Naruto and Sasuke: Rivalry or yaoi?

**A/n: I'm using the subbed version of Naruto on Crunchyroll. I've personally got nothing against the dub, but I prefer a version faithful-ish to the original. Plus in the days of old, the English version skipped my favorite opening. That's right, my favorite is the first one, and I'm listening to it on loop while I write. FIGHT ME!**

* * *

Shinobi Log 001

I'm finally a ninja! I didn't have to take the time to burn the book! Well, I was likely gonna be too lazy to do so anyways, but still... I'm a ninja! Do you know what that means?... Celebratory dango! And more money for food and hentai novels!

After I was released into the spontaneous sunset that would make the Sublime and Beautiful Green Beasts proud (Which may or may not have just been an obnoxious glare from the sun at high noon), Legal Guardian took me out to experience the luxuries of life: sitting on our roof drinking Matcha tea, eating our weights in numerous varieties of dango, and flicking the skewers at unassuming pedestrians. It was awesome.

Sadly that was halted earlier than expected because Legal Guardian was recruited with numerous other shinobi because Whiskers, the lone student who failed the exam in it's entirety, stole the village's prized scroll. Though, that in itself brings me to question the integrity of the ninjas this village produces, considering the lone failee was able to slip through their defenses.

Shinobi Log 002

It's the following day of the Whisker incident. Legal Guardian told me that the Silver Shrub was an actual traitor. All those years he was purposely teaching the wrong shit. He wasn't incompetent, he was just a douche. Okay, he was pretty incompetent. I mean, Whiskers did beat the shit out of him. This guy is supposed to be a chunin!

If Whiskers doesn't become a ninja after this, then something's fucked up about the system. I mean the poor guy had been sabotaged by an asshole for reasons currently unknown (I tried asking LG, but it's apparently an S-class secret. I didn't push any further, because I don't push into political matters, I don't want to wade in a pool of bullshit). He deserves some sort of compensation, whether it be a sum of cash or being a forever genin.

Speaking of that,I wonder which team I'm gonna be on? We are gonna be forced to be to be on three man squads after all, just like Legal Guardian was... If I can pick anyone, I'd pick Cloud-kun and Chip-kun. Well, particularly Chip-kun. Chip-kun is too precious for this world, and deserves to be on a team without rude douchebags that will set him off... which is pretty much everyone aside from Cloud-kun and I... But alas, it likely won't happen because of the famous Boar-Deer-Butterfly trio, and there's unfortunately an even amount of students. Well, unless Whiskers actually did graduate. Regardless, lets hope Boar-chan won't be a bitch about her placement among my people.

But in the long run...as long as I don't end up with the Mary-sue or his fangirls, I should be fine. Mary-sue isn't a team player, and the fangirls aren't really all that reliable. I should know, they constantly hired my stalking services because they can't do it themselves. Such amateurs. On the plus side, they likely wouldn't kill me because they trust that I have no interest in Mary-sue.

Speaking of the fangirl committee that I reluctantly lead (because apparently an unbiased female has to lead, and Sunshine-chan, the only other non-fangirl, is much too soft spoken to do so.) It was disbanded yesterday after pictures were done. I'm actually a little sad about this. Not because of the rabid fangirls, who are honestly surprisingly nice if you get past the constant jealously of each other, but because I now have to actually go to the effort of buying dango with my own money. My wallet's gonna cry.

As leader, I held the meetings in mom's lovely torture chamber that is our basement (boarded up with paper fences, because the girls found legal guardians toys to be "scary" and "disturbing"), and I charged each and every fangirl a box of dango each for entry. And of course, they did, because those were their recon missions to make sure any other girl wasn't 'ahead' of them. Not to mention I charged a box for each and every time I was hired to stalk, steal from, and write fanfiction about their dream boy. Honestly, you'd think the academy's 'best' ninja would be more alert. I can't even conceal my chakra completely back then, and I haven't been caught once... I was caught 4 times... But this was by anbu, not the Mary-sue. And I was a wee little 8-year-old. Different standards and shit... I got out of it by acting like a typical rabid fangirl, and got a brief lecture and a slap on the wrist because of how often this probably happened in the past. Which is probably for the best, because LG would never let me hear the end of it if I had to visit them at the interrogation unit.

On the plus side, it gives me more opportunity to hang out with Cloud-kun and Chip-kun... provided missions don't take up most of my time... But still, I'm gonna miss you constant dango supply. It was a good run.

* * *

"It's okay Gai-sensei." Hanami consoled the man crying on her shoulder, the height difference of over a foot making the scene much more likely to induce cringing and disturbed looks, given the character of said man. It's a shame the street was actually empty. Hanami gets pure joy out of the reactions of others."I will always remember your youthful teachings of youth as I youthfully go down the youthful path of youth and spread my youthful knowledge on my comrades. Youthful and Non-youthful alike. But let's hope and pray youthfully to each and every potential youthful deity of youth that my comrades will show the youthful spirit of youthfulness just like you, my youthful teacher of youth, have youthfully done all these three youthful years of youth." While most people cringe at the eccentricities of Maito Gai, Hanami got a kick out of it. It was fun to see how many times she could cram the word 'youth' in a conversation with him. It always seems to raise the intensity of that special unnerving sparkle, and give grimaces to the faces of anyone surrounding them.

The man had been her taijutsu tutor for 3 years, after her mom discovered that her chakra was only useful at attracting water. Without the the ability to form proper jutsus, or the willpower to get the utmost good grades intelligence wise, she had only the methods of weaponry and taijutsu to get by in the acadamy. She looked up to Gai. He had the skills to get by without jutsu, and had every bit of embarrassment and cringe a father would have without the initial sex appeal needed to go through the first step into siring a kid.

'Why is he crying?' one may ask. Well, she honestly didn't know either. She got ambushed and cried on the minute she stepped out the door:

 _Hanami had woken up this morning like any other. Her mom had left a note (in barely legible writing) that the Allied Mother Force was having a meeting. She shrugged it off, as her mom was very often busy due to being a shinobi. She had gotten dressed in her typical outfit consisting of a cream long overcoat that she may or may not have stolen from her mom's closet, forest green baggy cargo shorts, black ninja sandles, and her precious light green scarf wrapped around her neck._

 _And underneath it all, was the surprisingly comfy green jumpsuit that Gai convinced her into donning. Not that it took much convincing. The suit is surprisingly flexible, fire resistant, water-resistant, keeps your body just the right temperature, and supports the girls better than any sports bra she's tried. You just have to sacrifice your shame and social standing! (not that she had either) Plus there's the added bonus of seeing the grimaces that arise whenever people link the suit to the person of origin. It's a shame she needed pockets, or she'd run around in just her green-spandex glory. Yep, she is on her way to being an honorary green beast of Konoha._

 _She decided on wrapping her headband over her ribs like an obi, tying her open jacket to her body with the metal resting over her solar plexus. She figured she might as well make it cover one of the weakest spots, if she was gonna wear it at all. She's practical like that._

 _When she left her house that morning, she didn't expect to be bombarded by Konoha's Sublime Green Beast of Prey._

"You're right!" The man cried, snapping her out of her flashback. His tears had magically disappeared as he was filled with DETERMINATION. "You being under the tutelage of my youthful rival shall not discourage me! I shall do 200 laps around the village for almost straying off the path of youth!" He then proceeded to bolt off and do just that, leaving an amused Hanami in the dust.

"Goodbye to you too, Gai-sensei," She said to the open air as the dust settled, before making her way to the Academy for hopefully the final time of her life. A few minutes passed, before his words resonated in her mind. "Wait, does that mean Kakashi's my teacher?" She wondered aloud.

She personally never met the man, managing to dodge around any times Gai met up with him by sheer coicidence. The only thing she knew about Kakashi was from Gai's rants/praises of his youthful rival. Apparently he was almost evenly matched with him, and is always obnoxiously late and/or reading porn in public. Honestly... he sounded like her in 10/20/however many years bridge the gap between his and her ages.

This should be fun!

* * *

This isn't fun. She expected orientation to hopefully have food or something, maybe some mayhem involving desk fires and post arson maniacal laughter. A girl could dream. But nope it was just the usual Sakura-Ino rivalry, followed by the daily fight over who sat next to everyone's favorite broody teenager. Naruto apparently actually did graduate, and decided to squat on the desk in front of Sasuke's and glare menacingly at him for potentially the last time. On the plus side, with Naruto present there's a slight possibility of her being placed on the Ino-Shika-Cho team due to uneven numbers. Very slight, about 1% difference, but a difference nonetheless.

She was almost dying of boredom from her usual seat behind the Oh-so-perfect guy that every preteen girl wants to make babies with. Sadly this was her assigned seat, and the initial reason why she was roped into the Sasuke fan club. She'd much rather be next to Choji or Shikamaru. Nothing beats eating and napping. But that sentiment was proven wrong, as Hanami felt like she struck gold the next moment.

 _'YAOI!.'_ Hanami grinned. This DEFINITELY beat napping and eating. Her stalker instincts immediately kicked in. She jumped to her feet and stood on the her bench, before leaping over the obstacle known as her desk and landing beside the window next to Sasuke's desk. Not wasting even a second she pivoted to face the pair and whipped out her small disposable camera, snapping proof of the precious yaoi. The fangirls stopped their squabbles to stare in bewilderment of what Hanami declared as as their worlds started crashing around them. THE UNTHINKABLE HAS HAPPENED! Their precious Sasuke-kun shared his first kiss with class dropout, Naruto Uzumaki! "Fuck yeah!" Hanami cheered to the heavens, camera raised in the air in triumph. "I knew they had to be gay for each other! Pay up Shika!"

Sadly the camera's flash seemed to snap the two out of their loving moment, as well as snapping the chance of getting her payment of a week supply of dango that was promised from an idle bet made when her and Shikamaru were nine. The loving tender yaoi moment ended with the two choking and gagging, and not in the kinky bedroom way. Nope, in the unsettling 'I need to boil my lips and wash my mouth out with bleach' kinda way. It turns out, a boy sitting in front of them (whose name Hanami never bothered to remember ) bumped into the two by accident and caused the two to lock lips. No bet won, unfortunately, since it isn't genuine yaoi.

To make matters worse, the fangirls were out for blood and murder. She made sure to tuck her camera away before they have a chance to destroy it after they destroy Naruto. Such a shame, her 1% chance of being a I-S-C team member was gone now. Wait, never mind. He's beaten to a pulp, but still alive. Hanami took pity on the poor boy, so she decided to set the girls straight... by having another share his pain.

"Sasuke fan-club!" Hanami yelled in an authoritative voice, making the seven members who habit the club freeze. On the plus side, they seemed to have forgotten the club was disbanded, or that she was relishing in the sight of the kiss a minute prior "You shouldn't kill him just because he kissed our lovely Sasuke-kun," Hanami said in a stern no-nonsense tone. The people who know her, however, knew this meant she was just fucking with them. There are few people who can pick up on it, and the Sasuke fan-club wasn't among them. Well, except for Sakura when she isn't blinded by rage or her adoration for Sasuke-kun. But that's about as rare as seeing Choji without food.

Naruto was among the majority, as he actually seemed to perk up a bit, feeling happy that someone was standing up for him."Yeah, it wasn't my fault. Dattebayo!"

"Indeed, you shouldn't kick his ass," Hanami continued, before pointing her finger directly and dramatically to the _real_ culprit. The nameless boy sitting in front of the two, causing the boy in question to freeze. "His reckless behavior cost Sasuke-kun his first kiss. He shall be punished!" She then proceeded to screamed out a war-cry that seemed to inspire the mindless sheep to follow with gusto. That was the moment that Iruka sensei walked in, baffled at the display before yelling at them to get back to their seats.

Hanami pouted in her seat, sad she couldn't cause some more chaos. However, a smile was brought to her face once more as her fingers were brushing the camera in her pocket. She had a new muse to write fanfiction for.

"You're not gonna do that when you two get together, right?" She heard the familiar voice of Shikamaru drawl from behind. She didn't need to turn around to know he was smirking at her, the cheeky little shit. Ever since he noticed her little itty bitty crush on their mutual best friend, he made a point to tease her about it when she did her fanclub act.

"Of course she won't," Ino butted in from beside him, overhearing their conversation. "Everyone in the Sasuke fanclub knows that Hanami doesn't actually like Sasuke like that. And even then, they wouldn't be together because she has short hair. Sasuke-kun only likes girls with long hair."

"Yeah, he's too much of a discount Jotaro Kujo(1) for me." Hanami agreed. At the moment she honestly couldn't tell if Ino was defending her, or defending Sasuke's honor, but she wasn't about to correct the girl and bring attention to her crush on her food buddy, Choji. "But he's perfect for pretty, long-haired girls like you," she added to save herself from an annoying rant about insulting the boy Ino cherished more than life itself.

That's right, she had a crush on the pleasantly plump Choji. He is perfect in her eyes. He loved to eat, so he would know the best places to go out for food. She would never have to deal with any potential asshole comments about her choices of food in public, when she would inevitably choose to scarf down meat rather than pick at a salad with distaste. He wouldn't bat an eye when she eventually lets herself go, after inevitably retiring from the constant training to justify her eating habits. And the cuddles! Cuddles are especially comfy with chubby people. It's like snuggling with a giant heated teddy bear! And he'll likely stay like that for life because of his clan. Yep, he's perfect.

It's been a good few years since she started having her crush, and only Shikamaru seemed to catch on to it. It was little things like always wearing the scarf Choji gave her for her 10th birthday, or the constant platonic cuddles because he's so damn comfy; but what _really_ got Shikamaru to notice was when she willingly breaks her food rule for him.

Any food enthusiast has a rule on what food of there's can't be touched. Her mom would stab anyone who tries to steal dango from her, Choji would throw a fit if anyone has the last chip of the bag, and Hanami would plot the murder of anyone who tries eats the matcha section of any stick of hanami dango that is hers. Or really, matcha flavored anything. She's very possessive of the green tea flavoring. But... she chooses not to remind Choji about this little fact whenever she offers to share anything with him. She doesn't have the heart to take food of any kind from him, food rules be damned.

But she won't confess her feelings, at least not yet. She's not shy by any means, but if there's anything reading romance stories has taught her it's that confessing to your childhood friend would either lead to awkwardness or spontaneous sex, both of which she's legally too young for. Then again, icha icha isn't exactly marketed for the impressionable preteen demographic, but meh. Regardless of the debatably realistic tactics of icha icha, she wants to wait a bit. She needs to at least learn how to cook without fucking up the kitchen, before she would even hope to get with her fellow food enthusiast.

A hand clapped on her shoulder from behind, breaking her from her 2nd internal monologue of the day. She turned around, and saw Ino giving her sparkling, desperate eyes. "Can I please switch teams with you? I'll give you all the dango you could ever possibly want."

 _'Shit,' Hanami_ internally cursed. _'I must have zoned out while my team was called. Gotta make sure I sounded like I was listening.'_ Wait, if Ino was bargaining, that must mean... "IRUKA SENSEI!" Hanami cried out and everyone turned to her. "Can I switch teams with Ino? It's imperative to my sanity."

Iruka gave a stern look. "Just like I told Naruto, I put the best with the worst. You were added to this team to even it out. You were added to make up for Sakura's lack of physical skills, and she makes up your lack of brains."

Welp, that confirms it. she was on a team with Sasuke, and it was a four-man team with Sakura and Naruto. And absolutely no chance of being with Choji and Shikamaru. She brushed aside any jeers from her peers that came with the jab at her believed lack of intelligence, and instead mourned for her future loss of brain cells.

 _'On the plus side, there's potential yaoi,'_ She thought, as she took a glance at her teammates. Naruto glares at Sasuke spawned the age-old question she asked whenever she reads stories.

Is this the start of rivalry, or sexual tension between the two?

* * *

 **Yep, the pairing is revealed. Chouji gets some loving! Well, eventually he will... Chouji needs honestly more love. There's literally only like a dozen oc/reader stories that pair with him, while everyone else but him get like a hundred stories because he's chubby. Chubby guys need more love.**

 **(1) yep, that's a mother fucking jojo reference. In my story, manga will exist as novels, and I will potentially make a running gag of Hanami referencing other manga, since she loves to read and write in her downtime.**


	3. Budding romance and Loss of Retirement

**I have inspiration at last! I had a bit of writer's block, and decided to cure it with parody anime such as Pop Team Epic and Gintama. Also technical difficulties. Computer crashes, failing memory stick, shit like that. Also, in case it for some reason it matters, I decided to switch the reference streaming site to subbed version on Hulu because Crunchyroll is being cheeky on my computer.**

* * *

 _'Comfort,'_ Hanami thought blissfully as she rested her head on Choji's lap, the boy munching enthusiastically on rice balls, while she was munching on hanami dango from the numerous boxes received from the farewell Sasuke-club meeting. The boy looks so adorable when he eats!

They were on the roof, where the three friends typically habit during lunchtime. It's the perfect place to rest because it's usually vacant, within reasonable walking distance of the classroom, had wide access to a sky filled with white fluffy water particles to stare at, and was within stalking distance for Hanami to get some pictures of Sasuke that she gets bribed for. And this was like the typical day, with the exception of Ino joining them.

And Ino being there was more fun than expected, because she has never seen the matcha-haired girl get touchy and cuddly before. Considering Hanami's time with her typically relies soley on the Sasuke fan-club and her dango payments, it honestly shouldn't be that apalling. But the slightly disturbed and confused look was quite the treat.

But Hanami had better things to worry about, because Choji decided to talk to her.

"Can I have some dango?" He asked after finishing off one of the many riceballs he had at his disposal. It didn't matter to her that he had food to still eat, because it warmed her heart to see that polite and slightly bashful look when he asks for food. Even when this happens practically everyday, it never gets old.

 _'Oh senpai who's in the same grade, I would let you have all of them if I didn't need them for sustenance.'_ She thought, before giving him a grin and moving half of her 8 remaining supply boxes to the side of him that her body didn't habit.

Apparently this didn't go unnoticed by Ino, since she was staring at the two with her mouth open wide and gaping. The girl shared dango! Dango with matcha in it! Dango that she has literally THREATENED PEOPLES LIVES OVER!

"What the-" Ino exclaimed, before being silenced with a partially-eaten dango stick being flicked with great speed and accuracy into her mouth. Hanami gave her a grin that didn't look conspicuous at all. Nope, completely inconspicuous. Totally. The blonde choked and gagged, before spitting out the saliva ridden snack, that innocently had just the white and pink segments of the tri-colors. After the coughing ceased, she glared at the comfortable girl. "What was that for?!"

"You're too young to have your mouth open like that. It makes perverts like me get the wrong idea about blondes," she said drawled casually, munching on another stick of her happy food. Normally she would reserve the deep-throat assault for people who looked like they were going to use the forbidden word around Choji, but she couldn't let Choji remember/know about her food rule. He'd probably start feeling bad, and never ask her for food again. Or at the very least, for a good while. A good chunk of her conversations with Choji would be cut off! "Besides, you seemed like you were gonna use the fuck-word, and this anime isn't rated for adults."

"But you just said f-! Wait, what?" Ino asked when the latter part of the sentence registered in her head. What's an... animay?

"What?" Hanami asked feigning cluelessness, as if she didn't just make a up a word to distract her.

Shikamaru sighed at the exchange between the troublesome women, inwardly mourning the loss of peace and quiet that Ino's very presence disturbed. Choji continued munching happily without a care in the world while Hanami basked in the comfort that is Choji's lap.

"Why are you here anyway?" Ino asked. "Shouldn't you have lunch with your own team?"

"Nope. Naruto wants to have lunch with Sakura, who wants to have lunch with Sasuke-kun, who wants to sit around and brood his conflicting feelings for Naruto away, and I'm of course rudely left out of equation!" Hanami laid back dramatically. "So now I'm left wading in a pool of unresolved sexual tension."

"They're not gay, Hanami," Shikamaru drawled lazily. "You're not getting dango from me that easily."

"They kissed, they're bound to think about it and question their sexualities. And if that happens in the near future I'm within 20 feet of it," Hanami argued just as lazily, gesturing to the suspiciously open window that revealed every preteen girl's dream babymaker. "Besides aren't you usually all for the easy way in life?"

"Not when it involves spending so much money I can never retire."

"Don't exaggerate. A week's worth will only put you for about a year or two." Honestly, she doesn't eat _that_ much.

"I thought *munch munch* you bargained *munch munch* for a year...?" Choji asked between bites of dango and riceballs.

"Shit! That's right! Be ready to be a forever genin!"

"Troublesome... Wait, why would I be a genin for life?"

"I don't expect you to put effort in the Chunin exams. Too exhausting. You'd probably just do the bare minimum and forfeit once you guys go through the team segments.

"She's *munch munch* got you there *munch munch*" Shikamaru couldn't argue with that logic. He's too lazy to.

Ino was getting slowly more and more ticked off the debate over _her_ Sasuke-kun's sexuality. And gay for Naruto no less! The nerve of those two! She finally had enough and decided to assert her dominance over her new team... and Hanami "Listen up! As long as we're in the same squad, you will follow my instructions."

"Yeah-yeah," Shikamaru dismissed, obviously going along with it to avoid drama and annoyances.

"Let's all go out for BBQ sometime," Choji piped up, being his ever adorable self.

"And dango. Lots and lots of dango." You can't forget dango. It's essential to life.

Ino facepalmed, undoubtedly rethinking her life choices and bargaining with each and every possible deity to get her teams switched.

And then, something happened that made Hanami eyes snap open and bolt up away from comfort. _"My yaoi senses are tingling,"_ she muttered. She looked around rapidly and took quick notice of Naruto scaling the wall towards a seemingly unaware Sasuke. Ohohoho Yes! "How's that for not gay, Shika?" Hanami grinned cheekily, pointing towards the two.

"Huh?" Shikamaru looked up. "Naruto?" he questioned aloud, taking in the site of Naruto scaling inch by inch closer to the unassuming Mary-sue.

"What?" Ino turned around as well to watch the spectacle.

Meanwhile, Hanami was giggling maniacally as Naruto suddenly swooped in and pounced on Sasuke, before the window innocently flapped shut after him.

"Jerk! It's Naruto, isn't it!"Came from inside. Ooh! It sounds like Naruto is taking him from behind!

"Darn! Just be quiet!" That's right Naruto, no one must know of your forbidden love ! ...Except for Hanami.

"Naruto! I won't forgive you if you hurt Sasuke!"

"See, even Ino begrudgingly admits they're a couple." The blond girl really needs to work on her glare. Hanami just can't bring herself to quake in her green spandex suit. "Even so much as threatening him if he hurts his feelings." Hanami was rudely ignored.

The building was practically shaking as the two were really getting busy in there. Shikamaru and Ino were looking at the closed window in shock and concern, Hanami was blushing and giggling at the perverse nature of her imagination, and the ever adorable Choji was staring at the scene carefully whilst munching on his food.

"What happened?" Ino asked after the room went quiet.

"Something beautiful," Hanami responded.

Suddenly the window opened out jumped Sasuke who, to Hanami's glee, gave a little smile before scampering off.

Yes! Either Sasuke got lucky, or that's not him at all.

"So Naruto got beaten by the one he challenged." Oh Shikamaru, that's not it at all. Say goodbye to your retirement.

"Of course! Naruto's no match for Sasuke!" Oh Ino, you poor naive child. That's wasn't fighting in there.

"Pay up Shika," Hanami said. "They obviously did it."

"They're not gay. They were fighting."

"Oh dear Shika, it's about time you know that when your parents say they were wrestling, they were really just having sex." Hanami didn't know whether to give a smile when Choji choked on food laughing, or be concerned. On one hand, Choji found her funny! Fucking fuck yeah! On another, He choked on the thing he loves most, and not in a kinky way.

Wait, no. Bad Hanami. No making yaoi jokes involving your future husband.

Oh dear lord, she's sounding a fangirl.

Oh, who was she kidding, she is a fangirl. But Choji deserves fangirls! He's too plush and adorable not to.

"Sasuke-kun is not gay!" Ino fumed. Oh yeah, they were still on that. "That kinda thing doesn't happen in a minute."

"I'm not here to judge the speed of their wrestling act. I'm here to judge the smile on his face after said act," Hanami smirked a smirky smirk. The smirkiest of smirky smirks. "I've spent the better part of my academy years as a stalker for that boy, and I have never seen him smile like that.

Shikamaru rose a brow. "You stalked Sasuke? For the better part of your academy years?"

"Dango doesn't grow on trees."

Hanami took his shrug to mean 'fair enough'.

"I suppose I should go check on my team mate," Hanami sighed, throwing away her disposable bento boxes. "Don't wait up on me, cause I'm probably die of blood loss via my nose. I wish you luck with your sensei, whoever the hell they are." Shikamaru nodded, Choji gave her a thumbs up with his mouth full (senpai-in-the-same-class noticed her! * internal blush*), while Ino just wished her a simple farewell.

Hanami's pretty sure whatever shred of friendship or respect the blonde had for her as fan-club president was destroyed with this conversation.

She was okay with that.

* * *

 **This seems like a decent enough place to end it after so long without a chapter. I'll get the next one out when I get off my ass and do it.**


	4. Consoling heartbreak and forgetting porn

Hanami sat on an idle bench outside the school, bored out of her skull. She just helped her ungrateful team-mate get out of his kinky bondage twenty minutes ago. And what did she get? Nothing! No 'thank you for not leaving me high and dry in the suspiciously empty classroom where any passing fangirl could kidnap me and make me their love slave' or 'Here's a box of dango I pulled out of my perfectly perfect ass. My shit doesn't stink, it's delicious and edible because I'm a fucking Mary-sue'.

Now would be a perfect time to have a flashback to kill time and boredom. And to give some clarity or glorious mayhem to any Yamanaka member deciding to randomly cycle through her head.

 _~Flashback to the scene that the goddess of this written world was too lazy to put in the last chapter~_

 _Hanami bade her best friends, and debatable friend, farewell with tears and sunsets resonating in her mind. Gai and Lee would be proud, but she had bigger concerns. She's about to invade the aftermath of the tender yaoi moment. Such a dilemma. Sasuke left early enough that there couldn't have been much time for clean up. Poor Naruto would be left used and abused in the suspiciously empty room. That's just bad etiquette._

 _'Wait.. Those two are too young to be doing that kind of thing. Shota shit like that is banned for a reason.'_ _A shiver of disgust ran over her spine as she recalled when she managed to come across a particular banned book that featured this content._

 _Whoever wrote Boku no Pico should have their testies and/or ovaries gouged out._

 _After careful consideration, Hanami decided it was best to cover her eyes and invade the classroom. "If you're not decent, I want the details," she called out before blindly climbing through the window. She heard a muffled sound, and she giggled at all the dirty implications that her mind came up it with._ _'It wouldn't hurt to peek..."_ _She thought perversely, as she made gaps between her fingers._

 _What she saw wasn't what she expected._

 _But she was immensely impressed._

 _So much so that she decided to take a picture to commemorate it. There's nothing more beautiful than seeing the Uchiha boy bound and gagged at her feet, and she was very much impressed at the fact that the kid in dead last managed to get this year's golden child in effective bondage. Though she had to admit she was a little disappointed the Uchiha wasn't indecent, regardless of the age of consent. Unless it was soft-core porn, there wasn't any definitive proof it was yaoi._

 _Maybe she could convince Shika with just the bondage photo._

' _Damn,"_ _Hanami realized, ._ _'I'm acting too nonchalant about seeing him like this!'_ _As (ex-)leader of the Sasuke fan-club, it would be way too suspicious for her to act non-fangirlish around the boy she's suposedly obsessed with._

 _You see, Hanami decided to lead the club for her own reasons, and not just because of dango. It was because her mother had a hell of a horror story from when she stood out among her group. Simply put: Her mom's teacher was a psychopath, singled her out because she had an active thirst for knowledge and potential as ninja, branded her like cattle, and then abandoned her because she wasn't a complete psycho nutcase like he was. It's a wonder why she adopted Hanami as a protegee, considering her issues with her teacher. The green-haired girl had a sneaking suspicion it was because she was named after dango._

 _Anyways, moral of the story: Don't stand out because you can attract power-hungry psychopaths. And what better way to blend in, than to pretend she was also obsessed with the guy that had every girl hot and bothered? Of course, the fangirls know that she didn't have a legitimate crush, same with Shikamaru and her beloved Choji. She wouldn't be nearly as liked by the girls if she actually liked him, and Shika and Choji know her too well. Plus... she didn't want to directly or indirectly friend-zone Choji, should he somehow be interested in her in the future. If fanfiction has taught her anything, it's that the friend-zone is a brutal place. The friend-zoned person gets their feelings hurt, and then that pairing gets shoved aside in favor of pairing the friend-zoned protagonist with the ever popular bad-boy that every girl drools over, even though his personality is absolute shit._

 _She couldn't have Choji leaving her for Sasuke!_

 _Oh yeah, speaking of Sasuke... He's a bit tied up right now, and glaring at her from his place on the floor. Now, how should she go about this? A normal human being would point and laugh, or cut him loose in the good spirit of friendship. But she's supposed to don the disguise of a fangirl. Now, how would a fangirl act?_

 _"My Sasuke-kun is bound and gagged! Don't look at me with those eyes~ I might get pregnant!" She then shook her head frantically, as if to dismiss the girlish thought of them frolicking together in a field of flowers, hand in hand with their potential future child/children. "I'll save you Sasuke-kun! And you'll finally love me!" She cut him loose, because sadly a normal Sasuke fangirl wouldn't leave him there bound and gagged. Well, unless they were a yandere and didn't want him to escape the love nest. "I touched Sasuke-kun! My heart can't take it!" She then proceeded to swoon and collapse onto the floor, feigning unconsciousness from totally justifiable means._

' _Nailed it_ ,' _She thought triumphantly as the boy got up and stormed out of the room without so much as gracing his questionably unconscious teammate a 'thank you'._

 _Rude!_

 _~Back to the present with the bored girl~_

And now here she was, roughly 20 minutes later, stewing in her own boredom on a park bench.

Oh wait, she had her trusty journal to write in. It wouldn't hurt to write a little story to kill time. Besides, today she's struck gold with inspiration.

Shinobi log: boredom filler 1

The room was quiet, just how Mary-sue liked it. No screeching fangirls, no unnamed extras, just him and his tomato riceball. He loves succulent, savory riceballs. But there was something he was missing, or rather someone. The someone whose riceballs he'd love to taste.

Hanami paused in her writing, mulling over the last phrase, before scrapping it . Gotta keep this classy. And legal.

The someone whose riceballs he'd love to taste.

The one he called his senpai, even though they were in the same grade.

He wants-no. NEEDS Whiskers-senpai to notice him, to return the unrelenting love that sets his heart ablaze. The love that burns the fire in his ...area that shouldn't be mentioned since they're barely even teenagers. (Age of consent matters kiddies, because in prison Author-chan wouldn't want to get off her lazy ass and make someone her bitch. Plus the interrogation unit would have their heads spin when they realize LG has a clone)

Hanami stopped and cringed when she realized she inserted an Author's note in the middle of her story. That's just not professional at all. At the very least, it should be at the top or bottom.

But then again, this is her diary and she can write whatever the hell she wants. But still! The cringe! And even worse, she wrote in pen! If she scribbled this out there'd be this big blob of scribbled gunk and the smell of ink is intense. She has to choose between the eyesore of an Author's note, or the eyesore and nose assault of the blobby mass of scribbles..

Decisions, decisions.

..She honestly can't tell why she's suddenly caring. It's rare when she's bored enough to actually give a shit about stuff like this. But regardless, this was gonna bother her for a while. Not even halfway down the page, and she's already at an impasse. Maybe she should take a nap? That might help get the edge off, and kill time long enough for the infamously late Kakashi to show up.

Hanami laid back on the stone bench and closed her eyes. The birds were chirping, the leaves on the trees were rustling, and there were sounds of little rodents rustling through the bushes. Nature was a beautiful thing she couldn't appreciate now.

The damn author's note was still weighing on her mind.

"Hanami-chan.." Oh thank kami, a distraction! Sakura looked a little depressed. Hanami would bet her left tit it had something to do with Sasuke.

"What's wrong Sakura?"

"I think I messed up my chances with Sasuke," she admitted sadly.

 _'At least I don't have to give up Lefty, but now I have to play the supporting friend role..'_ Acting like an obsessive fangirl is easy enough, but consoling one that screwed up the first real chance to get her deluded fantasies brought to life was another thing entirely. ' _Maybe if I get her to expand on it, I can figure out a way let her be whisked away by delusions again.'_ "I'm sure his love for you hasn't changed, but humor me. What the hell happened with Sasuke?" What could possibly happen in the 20+ minutes he was gone?

She blushed, and looked down at her lap guiltily. "Sasuke came up to me and he was so loving! And then he starts asking about Naruto!" Hanami figured this was probably Naruto after the bondage incident, since Sasuke wouldn't usually acknowledge anybody. Or maybe he saw the light that is yaoi and was asking about his love interest via first convenient bystander. "I think he was scared I had a crush on him. Of course I told him Naruto is annoying, and then I confessed! We were about to kiss, before he ran off because of his shyness." Hanami had to hold back a snort like a good supporting friend "And then he came back, but he was asking about Naruto again! I couldn't take it anymore and started lashing against Naruto and... said a really bad thing... Sasuke called me annoying. And to be honest, I probably deserved it."

"What'd you say that could be that bad?"

"I insulted Naruto's lack of parents.." Yikes. She had to insult the one thing those two had in common. "I don't know what to do now." And that's understandable. The pink haired girl vented her frustrations with one of the most screwed up quips possible. There's no going back from that.

"Yep. You screwed up." Hanami winced when she saw Sakura get even more depressed. She had to fix this before the girl started crying. "You probably would have gotten brownie points if you didn't insult the one thing those two had in common." Sakura looked surprisingly shocked. You'd think the girl would have heard of the famous Uchiha massacre.

"Sasuke-kun's an orphan?!" She then proceeded to smack her abnormally wide forehead. "That's right, I forgot.. He must really hate me.."

 _'Shit! Don'tcrydon'tcry!'_ Nope, she's crying. _'What can I do to stop this? Oh, maybe this'll work..'_ Hanami held up her finger and spread chakra to the tip, allowing the tears to gather up around her finger with her bloodline limit. She supressed her chakra once more, the gathered water dropping to the ground, and proceeded to poke the pink-haired girl's nose. "Easy on the crying, you can still be redeemed. Now you either have to apologize and hope that Sasuke will forgive you (which probably won't happen if he really was bothered. The boy seriously knows how to hold a grudge.) or ignore him and/or be a tsundere."

"How will ignoring him help me? And what's a tsundere?" Sakura looked incredulous, but at least she wasn't crying anymore. Score one for supporting friend Hanami!

The green-haired girl grinned. "If there's one thing I learned from fanfiction, it's that the douch- I mean bad boys-" Insulting the Uchiha only leads to bloodshed from fangirls. "-always gets attracted to the one girl that doesn't actually like him. Even more-so if she treats him like crap and berates him all the time. Reverse psychology like that will get him to like her for some reason." It's tropes like this that give her all the more reason to act like a fangirl around Sasuke. She can't risk the idea of Sasuke falling for her when her heart belongs to Choji. That, and she just really doesn't like Sasuke. The boy glares at her whenever she eats dango. Not even at her, at the dango itself. Maybe dango killed a family member or beloved pet, or maybe he choked on dango in his past life or something. The world may never know. "Now, we both know you actually love him more than the air you breathe, so you need to be up for some roleplay."

"Does that mean you have a crush on Sasuke-kun? You act like you don't like Sasuke" Hanami had to hold back a cringe of disgust like a good supporting friend.

"You may not know this but if Sasuke ever notices me, I make sure to act like a psycho-nutcase. You or one of the other girls can have him, I like someone else."

"You have crush?!" Kami, this girl can banshee screech. But on the bright side, she's still not crying anymore.

"We're not talking about me, we're talking about you and how you'll redeem your love life by treating Sasuke like crap."

"This isn't a fanfiction." And now Sakura was starting to looking amused. Yay! She feels slightly better!

"I'm sure it is, somewhere," Cue cliche dismissal handwave. "Oh yeah, that reminds me, can you give me advice on this monstrosity?" She pulled out her journal and pointed to the offending Author's note.

...

"Why must you always make yaoi pieces about Sasuke?" Sakura's normally okay with Hanami writing yaoi pieces about her crush, mostly because it truly means she's actually not interested, but she wished she'd stop shipping him with Naruto. The wound on her heart from the dreadful kiss is still raw.

"Not Sasuke. This is Mary-sue, the guy with a herd of women falling for him even though he's got little-to-no personality or redeemable traits." Sakura chose not to dignify that with a response, mostly because that would indirectly insult her future husband. "Anyways, that's not what I was referring to. I'm talking about the Author's note 3 paragraphs in."

"Why did you even write it in if you hate them so much?"

"I don't know! Madness? Clarity? Filler for the blank space of the fanfiction that is my life? Or maybe I have an unconscious fascination for the things I hate, like those people who write about abuse and shit but claim to not condone it. CAN'T A MAIN CHARACTER HAVE A HAPPY LIFE WITH THEIR SINGLE PARENT?!"

"I feel like your drifting of topic," Sakura said, a small, genuine smile spread across her face at the sight of her friend dramatically crying to the heavens.

The smile was met with Hanami's signature crazed grin. "I definitely am, but it made you smile~," she teased. "But seriously, what should I do?"

"Why don't you just redo it on a different page?"

"That just results in unnecessary work, with potential for writer's block. I don't want to risk it."

"Why is this bothering you so much, anyway?"

"Because I'm booooored," She groaned. "And complaining is an effective method of wasting mine, and everybody else's, time.

"I'm guessing you already read through that new book you were obsessed over?" The question was meant to be rhetorical, but it instead made Hanami go brain-dead for a few moments.

...

...

...

"FUCK! I FORGOT THE NEW ICHA ICHA CAME OUT TODAY!"

* * *

 **I was gonna write more, but I couldn't seem to write in the next scenes I wanted without second guessing the flow of the story. This chapter's been overdue anyway. I'm thinking of just merging the last three chapters I've written since it falls under the same episode. It'd probably ease up on my realization that it seems like I'm writing parody-ish filler rather than actual Naruto plot.**


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